Hawmps!

The US Camel Corps was a failed 19th century attempt to introduce camels as military transport in the southern United States. You read that right- ride ‘em, camelboys!

Look, we’re all adults here. We all played the Oregon Trail. We know what travel conditions were like on the American frontier before the completion of the trans-continental railroad in 1869. The United States had gotten a whole lot bigger when we annexed Texas, California, and New Mexico in the 1840s, but getting out to these new regions was a challenge. It was hot and unpleasant. Horses and mules weren’t cutting it.

Jefferson Davis had the answer: camels. While you probably remember Davis for his stint as President of the Confederacy, he had previously served as Secretary of War under Franklin Pierce, and even previouslier had served as a senator and member of the military affairs committee. Back when he was on that committee in 1848, Major Constantine Wayne had recommended that the Dept of War appropriate 30k to buy fifty camels and breed them in the American West. The committee didn’t go for the proposal, but the idea got Davis dromedary dreamin’.

 

On the Fence

What’s the difference between revenge and spite? Here’s what I think it boils down to: revenge is sweet, but  spite is semi-sweet. Revenge wreaks satisfying havoc on the revengee, and then lets the avenger walk away from the car explosion in unruffled slow-mo.  Spite wreaks satisfying annoyance on the spitee, but annoys the spiter in the process. Let me present two case studies.

Let’s say that my friend insults me, so I get him drunk, invite him down into my catacombs, and lure him into a dark corner with the promise of showing him my finest wine. While he is occupied with the nozzle,  I grab him and chain him to the wall. Then I build a brick box around him, change over the laundry from the washer to the dryer while I’m down there, and return to the couch. My enemy will die while using the last of his cell battery to read this blog and reflect and on what he’s done, and besides making an extra trip to Trader Joes to replace the wine I accidentally bricked in there with him (you’re welcome, Jerry), there is no downside for me.  I even got to practice my masonry.  There’s only one victim, and that “victim” is Jerry. That’s good revenge- one loser, one winner.

Now let’s say that I am on my morning commute, and a man sits down beside me. He plants his elbows at leisurely angles as he unfolds the Boston Globe, apparently too good to just read celebrity tweets in the Metro like the rest of us. He spreads his legs so wide that I suspect that he sidelines as a gymnast. So I sprawl out too, sticking my elbow into his side like a chicken wing. When he realizes he is being challenged, he starts to put some force behind his spread, trying to push my legs back out of his way. I do the same. A baby starts crying, either because of the moderate delays caused by a medical emergency at Park Street/disabled train at Alewife/signal problem up ahead or because of how thick the air is with tension. My nose itches, but I can’t scratch it because moving my arm would give Globe an opening to regain territory. I am really far less comfortable than I would be if I just squeezed into the space he’d hoped to allot me, but that would make him and the patriarchy happy. So I will make him uncomfortable, and make myself uncomfortable in the process. It’s nothing but downside for everybody, but it’s worth it. That’s spite, baby- sweet, sweet spite.

Revenge gets all the glory. Let’s celebrate a monument to spite: The Crocker Spite Fence.

An Affair to Remember

Alexander Hamilton is hot these days. The Broadway musical Hamilton has the first Secretary of the United States Treasury singing and dancing his way back into American hearts- and generating a ton of buzz and bucks in the process. While Hamilton’s never been my favorite founding father, real or musical- I’ll take real John Adams/Mr. Feeney as John Adams in the film 1776, thanks- I would be at this show in a second if only a pair of tickets wouldn’t set me back nearly a grand. What am I, a national bank?

So for those of us who aren’t going to make it to the show until it is off-off-Broadway, here’s a true-life run down of one of the play’s juicier subplots. I would say that Hamilton spoilers lie ahead, but what else is history but a bunch of spoilers for presidential musicals, really? My 7th grade history teacher was basically the Reality Steve of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson.

Enemy Number One

Quiz: What kind of eccentric billionaire are you?

1. Your sister and grandson both die in the same tragic way- by drowning. What do you do next?

a) Assume that a super villain was behind both of these seemingly accidental deaths. Swear revenge on criminals. Buy a costume, trick out your car, and begin leading a double life as a vigilante.

b) Don’t overthink it- this was water’s fault. Swear revenge on water. Buy out both Water Works and Electric Company. Bask in your total domination over all of Atlantic City’s utilities.

c) Realize that the real culprit here is gravity, which dragged your loved ones to their watery graves. Swear revenge on gravity. Establish a research institute devoted to finding a way to beat this sinister Newtonian force, build a bunch of crazy monuments on college campuses, call it a day.

2) Like any good eccentric millionaire, you fancy yourself something of an inventor. What’s your best invention to date?

a) Bat+boomerang= batarang

b) Self-propelled thimble

c) Overly complicated parking meter

3) Your country falls into a terrible economic depression. Knowing that you are still rich, local workmen come to you looking for a job. What kind of job do you give them?

a) You pick the most boyishly handsome and appoint him your faithful sidekick. The two of you will make a truly Dynamic Duo.

b)   Perhaps he’d like a position as the world’s most lenient prison warden?

c) Hand him a chisel and ask him to get to work carving passive-aggressive self help messages onto boulders in the woods

4) Are you totally bonkers?

a) Yes, completely bats.

b) No, just rich.

c) Oh, for sure.

If you picked mostly A’s: You’re Batman.   I’m surprised you needed a quiz to tell you that.

If you picked mostly B’s: You’re Mr. Monopoly, and you’re working that monocle.

If you picked mostly C’s: You’re Roger Babson. Read on to learn more.